I'm making myself write this. Not because I don't want to but because I have so many irons in the fire.
So. Those of you who follow me on Facebook (which I'm pretty sure is all of my readers at this point) may remember that back in November 2017 I shared how suicidal I felt. I reached out in desperation, and many hands touched mine to pull me back from the brink of that abyss. Thanks to you all. <3
On November 3 my doctor told me about a new DNA test that helped match a person with the best anti-depressant for them. Four vigorous cheek swabs and six weeks later, the results came back and she prescribed me Trazodone, which was the best fit for me and the only "tier 1" drug. The others I'd tried were "tier 2." There was also "tier 3," which listed the medications that were least likely to help me/most likely to produce negative side-effects. It took another six weeks for it to fully build up in my system, but now I feel how I think normal people feel.
Clinical depression is an issue I've had since puberty. It saps my energy and my desire to do things. Alongside that, I have until recently been interested in national and world politics and events. Those two things combined just devoured my energy. Add the increased selling of our government to corporate interests, plus knowing that almost half of American voters chose a racist narcissist con man to lead the country, sapped my will to live. We had literal Nazis marching in the streets of Washington DC after the election and most people's response seemed to be *shrug*. It infuriated me and there was nothing I could do about it. It felt like the only reasonable response to this crazy merry-go-round was to get off the ride altogether. But, as I mentioned before, y'all helped me get back on that unicorn for another rotation.
So I kept on living through Thanksgiving, when I took a cruise with my parents to The Bahamas and Key West. For three days we were out of cell reception. No Internet. No Facebook. No news of any kind whatsoever.
It was glorious.
It was also difficult for me that first couple of days. Nassau is a gorgeous city on a gorgeous island, but it was hard for me to reconcile that beauty with the knowledge of how western Europeans had pillaged the Americas and raped, murdered, and enslaved the populace. I think it would be one thing if my history classes had taught the truth rather than the myth of the basically empty continent with a few helpful natives that wished only to serve the clearly superior white "explorers" and "settlers." Helpful hint: all those settlers were really an invading army that committed genocide to gain control of the land and its resources.
Sorry. The point is that once I had a few days away from all that, I was crazy relaxed. Upon our return to Florida we stayed in Miami Beach for another five days, and while I shared some pictures on FB, I remained essentially unplugged. There was plenty of lounging and swimming and sightseeing, but I think what really relaxed me was being unplugged. I suspect this because as soon as I got onto the plane from Miami to Denver and then home, my shoulders tensed up.
Once home my nice relaxed mood began to fade. So, I culled the list of pages I followed to friends, redheads, and cats. That helped, but not enough. So when we went over the test results I jumped at it. But many anti-depressants just need time to saturate your body. Once I started feeling better, I tried following the Alt National Park page. I stopped around three weeks later. *shrug* I don't know if it's the best response for the continuance of this nation or humanity's survival. I don't know if really I should be concerned about either of those things. Nations and empires rise and fall. Species live and die, sometimes with catastrophic consequences. But I do know that my focus on terrible events that I could do nothing to affect was literally killing me.
Which brings us to more-or-less today. I started the new meds mid-December. I started this blog at the end of January. I grew my beard and moustaches out gloriously.
I got a new Casper mattress, I cleaned out (almost) all of the stuff that had been accumulating, I began putting time into various media (the 2005 series of Dr. Who, the video game The Witcher, The BBC show Merlin, various books I've wanted to read), building a new character for our new D&D campaign, Slylock Noir, and I'm now in the process of building a small wardrobe for my new alter ego "Professor Kittendad."
I'm also working on a big project at work that requires a lot more mental energy than "paint the room tan," so even there I'm more engaged. All in all it's gotten busy for me in a good way, because I'm not accustomed to having this much energy and motivation, and I don't know how long it will last so I'm doing everything at once and using run-on sentences.
So there it is. I think that pretty well covers it. I will try to post here more frequently, not just for you my faithful readers but also for myself. i want to stay engaged and I want to chronicle my journey. So much of my life has passed that I can't account for (because chemo brain, grr) and I don't want to turn 50 and have only a hazy idea of how I spent the last decade.